


I'll Never Let This Go (But I Can't Find The Words To Tell You)

by agirlnamedtruth



Series: Sins [4]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Summer Camp, Alternate Universe - Twins, Angst, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Incest, M/M, Polyamory, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-23
Updated: 2014-04-23
Packaged: 2018-01-20 13:30:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1512341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agirlnamedtruth/pseuds/agirlnamedtruth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the last few days of camp and Mordred knows letting go is inevitable... right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Never Let This Go (But I Can't Find The Words To Tell You)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sksdwrld](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sksdwrld/gifts).



> Written for M as part of our [Sins](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Sins_of_the_Flesh) 'verse. Also used for [Writerverse](http://writerverse.livejournal.com)'s fanfiction challenge because I write nothing but fanfiction and this just happened to be the fanfiction I was writing at the time I saw the challenge.
> 
> Title from [Never Let This Go](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0R4B4yVoq4w) by Paramore.

Mordred had been dreading it for days. They’d finally found some semblance of harmony, he’d let Merlin have what he wanted and he’d even got something nice for himself, unexpected as that was. Merlin was happy, he was happy and if he had to hazard a guess, he’d wager Arthur was happy as a sandboy too but Mordred could feel their demise hanging over him like a guillotine blade with a fraying rope. And Merlin was the fraying rope.

Today was Tuesday. Tomorrow was Wednesday. Everyone would be gone by Thursday. Not the kids, they went on Sunday but the staff, the poor sods left to clean up after the brats, they all went home on Wednesday – including himself, Merlin and Arthur – or so everyone assumed.

The problem wasn’t him and Merlin. They’d made enough money to see them through not having to get an evening job for the first term of university at least, which meant more evenings alone and that was always a good thing. No, the problem was Arthur. Not so much so in that he was being problematic, they’d quickly found solutions to jealousy or possessiveness on the most part. The problem was that soon, he wasn’t going to be there to be problematic anymore and that was... problematic.

The first blow landed Tuesday lunchtime in the now nearly empty mess hall. It wasn’t empty enough though, Morgana, Gwen and Gwaine still garnered their table ready to throw judgement on any wrong move. And of course, Arthur was there.

“So where does everyone come from, I don’t think I’ve ever asked,” Merlin said casually, spoonful of scrambled eggs halfway to his mouth. He was addressing the table in idle conversation but Mordred saw it for the fishing trip that it was. 

“Dublin,” Gwaine said first, always happy to go first. “I guess I just love this fair land so much I can’t keep myself away.”

Merlin smiled down into his eggs, Arthur had spent many a night telling them the grand stories Gwaine would tell him. Get him drunk and you’d be serenaded with O Danny Boy whether your name was Danny or not. He missed Ireland and hated here but he was a good sport about it. Most of the time it made Mordred want to tell him to sod off back to Ireland but this morning, he was just thankful for every answer that didn’t come from Arthur’s mouth.

“You’re from Ireland too, right, Morgana?” Mordred said when he saw Arthur open his mouth.

Morgana glanced up from her food and shrugged. “Yeah, like five years ago. I live around the corner from you tosspots now, haven’t you noticed?”

“Yeah, of course,” Merlin said elbowing Mordred in the side. Somewhere deep down he’d known that but whether or not they’d invited her around for tea yet was the least of his concerns. Just around the corner happened to be pretty much the whole of London, luckily for them.

“Gwen’s up in London too, aren’t you?” Morgana cast a sideways glance to Gwen who nodded, still chewing. “We should all get together sometime, that is,” she turned her glance over to Gwaine, “If you can bear to leave the heartland again.”

Gwaine pulled a face but nodded, Merlin was pretty sure Gwen was still nodding from before and that meant him and Merlin had to nod along as well, like a chorus line of those Churchill dogs.

“Great, I could do with a proper night out after these six weeks. I never thought I’d tire of camp fires and ghost stories but if I have to sit on one more log, I’m going to pack furniture next year, I swear!”

Mordred took Morgana’s rant as a good moment to lean into Merlin and whisper, “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” Merlin replied in his _I’m innocent, please love me, I’m cute, see_ voice.

“How about you, Arthur, you’ve not said where you’re from?” Merlin asked again, making Mordred’s cheeks go hot with second hand embarrassment. There was no way this didn’t look like some desperate attempt to follow Arthur home or something like that. It was like the camp equivalent of screaming _you will call, won’t you?_ down the street after a first date. 

“Oh, uh, no I don’t come from London,” Arthur said, pushing his food around his plate. “I mean, I can come up for the weekend or something but I live down in Devon.”

Mordred watched Merlin’s face fall before he pulled it back up into a frown and then a fixed smile. “Well, that’s alright, you can get the train up. You can even stay with us if you-”

“Merlin,” Mordred said as calmly as he could before Merlin actually rolled out a welcome mat there and then. “We need to go bring the paddleboats in, come on.”

Merlin shrugged and got up; completely unbothered by the way everyone was looking from him to Arthur to Mordred like they were stuck on a spin cycle. “Sure, I was done anyway.”

“Good!” Mordred said shortly, hoping he well and truly was done.

-x-

That night, Arthur didn’t come to them. They hadn’t made any arrangements. Mordred and Arthur had talked at breakfast about the best way to handle this. Merlin got attached easily, nobody needed reminding of that. And they’d always known this summer would come to an end. Yes, there’d be next summer, if they came back, if Arthur came back but the fact there would be another year between that day and today was unavoidable. 

They’d decided the best way to do it was to not make a big deal of it. That was until lunch. That was his fault; he should have known Merlin would at least try. But it didn’t change anything, they still needed to put a slight bit of distance in and so they’d agreed, they’d only spend the last night together. But he couldn’t tell Merlin any of it so he’d just assumed, for the second night running, Arthur was a no show. So, of course, he was sulking.

He didn’t say anything but he was packing so aggressively at 11pm that Mordred had to infer the sulk.

“He’ll come tomorrow,” Mordred said, giving in. He didn’t say he knew for sure or that it was arranged, he just stated it as true.

“Yeah, fine,” Merlin said, opening the wardrobe doors. “Have you seen my blue shirt?”

“No,” Mordred said. “Merlin, you’re not helping yourself, in the long run.”

“Yes, I am, you know I hate packing at the last minute,” Merlin deflected.

Mordred sat down on the bed, even watching him when he was like this was tiring. And that was without the fighting. “You know what I mean.”

“I hoped we’d see him before we left, that’s all,” Merlin shrugged, pretending like it was nothing in the world. But he was so indifferent to most things that the fact he was even pretending not to care meant he really did care. A lot.

“We will see him. There’s all of tomorrow. And Thursday morning. We’re not leaving tonight,” Mordred reasoned.

“Yeah but we are leaving. We’re leaving him, aren’t we? That’s what’s going on and you don’t want me to make a fuss,” Merlin said, screwing up another shirt and stuffing it in the case. That one Mordred recognised as his own and though it was heartbreaking to see it in a ball, at least it was less packing for him to do. And it gave him something to think about other than Merlin’s accusation. “Well?”

“No... well, yes but only because I don’t want you upset. For a start, it’s going to be a nightmare to iron all that,” Mordred nodded to the case. “But you know it’ll hurt more if you don’t make a clean break.”

“How very pragmatic of you,” Merlin said sourly. “I’m sorry I’m not as accustomed to not giving a fuck as you are.”

Mordred looked away and dug his hands into the duvet to stop himself from getting up and going to him. He was being cruel to be kind, really. “It’s because I do give a fuck-”

But Merlin was halfway to the door, tears burning furiously in his eyes. “I need my blue shirt. I think I left it in Arthur’s room.”

“It’s on the bloody chair, look. Merlin, don’t go,” Mordred pleaded but it only stopped Merlin for a second.

“Then... I left my...” Merlin pulled open the door so hard he must have wrenched his arm. “Something somewhere. I’ll find something.”

Mordred sighed, falling back on the bed and covering his face with his hands. He knew exactly what Merlin would end up finding.

-x-

When Merlin finally came back, at just gone 2am, he was soaked to the skin. Mordred knew he should give him the cold shoulder, let him run back to Arthur again if that’s what he wanted but Merlin was shivering and he wasn’t completely heartless.

“Raining, is it?” Mordred asked, getting out of bed to get him a towel.

“I went for a swim, if you must know,” Merlin said sullenly but accepted Mordred’s help drying off.

Mordred frowned, tiredness making his memory hazy. Did they even have a proper pool here? “You mean in the lake?”

“Mmm,” Merlin said, like it was nothing in the world to take fully clothed dips in fairly disgusting lakes in the middle of the night, completely sober.

“Are you sure you didn’t fall in?” Mordred asked gently, trying to get a smile from him.

“ _No_ ,” Merlin said tensely before relaxing. “The boat was gone, I thought maybe...”

Mordred closed his eyes to Merlin’s pain as he trailed off. He’d thought they’d staged a surprise, like they sometimes did. Or maybe that Arthur was waiting for him.

“You swam to the island?” Mordred asked, shaking his head. “I don’t know whether to be impressed or berate you like mother would. You could have drowned.”

“Please, you know how good I am at holding my breath,” Merlin said, with the first hints of a resigned smiled. It didn’t make Mordred feel any better that he was giving up but it did take a weight off his shoulders.

“That’s true,” Mordred said, pulling Merlin’s shirt off.

“Drey, I’m knackered...” Merlin complained, the pet name slipping out tiredly like he couldn’t quite manage the extra syllables.

Mordred ruffled his damp hair, his hand lingering on his the back of his neck. “I know, love, I’m putting you to bed.”

“Ok,” Merlin agreed and let the rest of his wet clothes be taken off him.

Under the sheets, curled up, skin to skin, Mordred kissed Merlin’s shoulder. He’d never been the warm one before. Merlin had never been the cold one. He didn’t know what to do.

“So you didn’t go to Arthur’s then?” Mordred asked into the darkness.

“No, when I got out the water, I felt a bit of a cock so I turned around and got straight in the boat and came back. Morgana’s gonna kill me, she was up there with someone, I could hear her dulcet tones.”

“Oh really?” Mordred asked, smiling into Merlin’s neck. That was more like the old Merlin.

“Yeah, she sounded like Gwaine sounds when he tries to hit the high notes when he’s drunk,” Merlin said, his body shaking against Mordred’s when he broke into giggles.

“Can’t be any worse than you, it’s no wonder we all need a whole bloody island,” Mordred said, pulling him tighter. “You’re alright then? I mean, you understand what I was trying to say?”

Merlin stopped laughing and sighed. Mordred wished he didn’t have to drag the reality of the situation out of Merlin but he needed to know Merlin didn’t just think it was him being a bastard. For once, he was trying his damnedest not to be a bastard.

“I guess,” Merlin said with a nod.

“I mean, we can’t expect Arthur to up and leave his home to be with us. It’s not the same as when we moved out,” Mordred said.

“But we could ask, couldn’t we? I mean, we could at least offer...”

“Merlin, I know your heart’s in the right place, bless it, it always is, sweetheart but that’s not fair on Arthur, is it? To put him in that position, to offer knowing he can’t really have it. It’d be like if you won a holiday or something but you had to work that day, it’s better not to offer.”

“Fuck that, I’d quit my job. I need a holiday,” Merlin said, turning over to face him. “We could go on holiday, all of us? Just for a two weeks or something?”

“Merlin...” Mordred started, a list as long as his arm for why that was a bad idea.

“I know, I just... I like him. I’ll miss him. I couldn’t bear it if this ever happened to us, if this is what it feels like.”

“I know,” Mordred said, pushing Merlin’s fringe out of his face and kissing him. “Let’s just let go as best we can. If that means you have to be angry with me, then fine. But don’t make it harder for yourself, love. Or for Arthur.”

 _Or for me_ , Mordred thought silently as Merlin nodded and closed his eyes, falling asleep while Mordred stayed awake, trying to convince himself this was all for the best. Fuck’s sake, it wasn’t like he wouldn’t miss Arthur too. He would, more than he cared to admit. But there was nothing he could do about it.

-x-

They didn’t speak about it all through the day. Mordred silently thanked Arthur for not pressing the matter and non-silently thanked Merlin as he handed Merlin the keys to all the cabins. Everyone else had drifted off home during the day. They were meant to lock up all the cabins and go themselves. And they would, locking all except one cabin and leaving only when the sun came up. That had been the plan since before they’d properly come to terms with what leaving meant.

Mordred waited with Arthur while Merlin locked all the other cabins and the main gates. The slightly less rational part of him briefly considered locking the main gates forever, staying in here all winter and pretending they didn’t need anything but each other. But it was silly. People from the firm that owned the camp checked it on a regular basis. They’d be caught sooner or later.

“How is he?” Arthur asked. “He’s been a bit off with me all day.”

Mordred shrugged. “If he has to be angry with you to get through this, that’s something you’re going to have to live with, for him.”

“Is that what you do?” Arthur asked.

“I’d do anything for him,” Mordred answered without missing a beat. The thought had been second nature to him all his life; he didn’t even need to consider it. “You’re proof of that.”

“Oh, you like me really,” Arthur said, bumping Mordred’s shoulder with his own. “You just can’t admit it.”

“If you insist,” Mordred said. He couldn’t deny it but given what he’d said to Merlin, he couldn’t exactly indulge in it either. They had to let go of him. Both of them.

“I do,” Arthur said, getting around the wall of his own he’d put up and kissing him.

Mordred pulled away, not because he wanted to particularly but because there was a reason he’d given Merlin the keys. He needed to talk to Arthur alone.

“Look, Merlin might try to convince you to drop everything so we can all walk off into the sunset. He doesn’t mean it. Well, he does but it’s because he doesn’t understand that life doesn’t work that way. He thinks it’s easy because I’ve done it for him, I dropped everything to be with him and I always will but I don’t expect you to do the same,” Mordred said, getting it all out before he put his foot in it or before Merlin walked in. “So just ignore him if he gets like that and let me handle it, ok?”

“Right,” Arthur said hesitantly. “But he does want that, us all to be together?”

Mordred huffed out a breath of air that was supposed to be a laugh. “Oh yeah, he’s big on happy endings that one.”

“So if I said I could just drop everything, it’d be you that’d need convincing?” Arthur asked, throwing Mordred off balance.

“What? No, I-” Mordred started but he heard Merlin opening the door. “Look, if he doesn’t bring it up, don’t worry about it, alright?”

Arthur shrugged but no more was said about it. Instead Arthur went straight to Merlin, kissing him and getting him out of his clothes before he could even say, _good evening_.

Mordred stayed where he was, content to watch. It was easier if he watched, he could divorce himself from the feelings that he’d only ever had for Merlin before. And he needed to divorce himself from them. He couldn’t help but love Merlin, he had all his life but Arthur, he’d let himself fall for him, he’d just have to un-fall.

His mind turned over what Arthur had said as Merlin fell into bed with him. At first he’d thought it was a dig at his expense. Arthur often liked to make fun of his being a misery in most situations. But there was another part of the question, a part he didn’t dare hope about. _If I could just drop everything..._

“Mordred?” 

Mordred shook his head, his vision clearing where it had glazed over. Normally he could appreciate the sight of Merlin naked and Arthur fucking him but tonight it was just another item stacked on top of the pile of things he’d miss.

“Hmm?” he asked, it would hurt their feelings to think he was neglecting them.

“Arthur wants you to join us,” Merlin told him, holding out his hand.

Mordred took them in; Arthur sat propped up, Merlin straddling his lap. He couldn’t really think what they needed him for and oddly, he wasn’t in the mood. He got up all the same, unable to refuse Merlin, and made himself comfortable behind him, mirroring Merlin’s position, only fully clothed.

With one hand curled around Merlin’s chest and the other wrapped around his cock, he held Merlin as Arthur pushed up into him, stroking in time, all of them keeping a slow and steady pace. For the first time ever, they had all the time in the world. _For the last time ever, you mean,_ his mind spat back at him.

Between the both of them, they kept Merlin on the edge for as long as he could take, until he was begging and pleading with them and trying to bribe them with everything he could think of. At one point, Mordred was fairly certain he was trying to promise he’d move to Cornwall, Mordred didn’t correct him but he did let him come, only to stop him from actually getting it right.

When they got Merlin settled between them, Mordred finally got undressed and let Arthur pull him into bed, on Merlin’s other side. It was cramped to put it mildly but Mordred needed that, all three of them together, tightly wrapped around each other, more than he needed a lay.

He’d closed his eyes and had gotten halfway to sleep when Arthur muttered. “I can drop everything, just so you know.”

Mordred’s eyes snapped open. He glanced at Merlin first, to check he was asleep. When he sure he was, he looked up at Arthur. “Don’t play with him. It’s not fair.”

“Don’t play with you, you mean,” Arthur said perceptively.

“Either of us,” Mordred said, unwilling to own up to his own feelings anymore than he would disregard Merlin’s.

“I’m not. I just wanted to make sure you knew. Before camp, I was looking up apprenticeships in London anyway. I could still do that,” Arthur said, turning onto his side so he could stare at Mordred over Merlin’s sleeping body. “If you wanted.”

“Why are you asking me?” Mordred shrugged. “It’s him that’s so keen on the idea.”

“That’s exactly why I’m asking you,” Arthur admitted. “Look, I know this has been hard for you, letting me in. Not just into your relationship with Merlin but into your...heart, or whatever. I think if you’ve let me stay this long, and I’m still here, that must mean we’ve got something worth holding onto a little longer. And I know he wants it so I don’t need to convince him. I need to convince you. I think I’ve done alright so far, haven’t I?”

Mordred didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. Could he pull back the curtain and let Arthur know how much he really did want him to come back with them? Could he admit to Merlin that maybe he was capable of loving someone else as well? Could he risk waking up one morning without them both because they’d both realised they didn’t need him as well?

“I know I’m pushing it so I’m not going to ask. I just want you to know that if you did ask, I’d stay with you,” Arthur asked before leaning over and kissing him. “Goodnight, Mordred.”

“Night,” Mordred said distantly, pretty sure he was in a state of shock.

-x-

The next morning, everything seemed to pass in slow motion silence. At least that was how it felt to Mordred. None of them seemed to really want to leave the camp, not even Mordred, which was a laugh since he spent the rest of his time hating it there. 

When they got to the gates, Arthur looked back at them. He’d not said anything about what they’d talked about last night and neither had Mordred. It was like a three tonne polyamorous elephant in the room.

Mordred looked over to Merlin. He was quieter than usual but he was holding up well given how much he was obviously hurting. And Mordred couldn’t deny the ache in his own chest, not just for Merlin’s pain but his own. But this was for the best, he was sure of it. Or his brain was at least. His heart didn’t know a damn thing.

“I guess this is goodbye then,” Merlin said and Arthur looked over to Mordred, who was hanging back on purpose. He didn’t want to do a goodbye. He just nodded and let Arthur and Merlin do it for him.

He looked away as Merlin gave Arthur one last kiss, tears rising in his throat. He had to do this. But he really couldn’t do this.

“Bye Mordred, see you next year maybe?” Arthur shouted over to him, before he turned and headed for the road back into civilisation.

 _Fucking Hell_ , Mordred thought. He hated civilisation. He hated everything. He hated that he couldn’t just be with his brother, like everyone else could be with the one they loved. He hated that he couldn’t admit he loved two people at once. He hated that he couldn’t admit he loved Arthur and that scared him more than the fact he loved Merlin. He hated that Arthur was an uncertainty. He hated that he was too scared to risk it all. He hated this! _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!_

“Wait!” he shouted after Arthur, making Merlin turn from where he’d been watching him go. “Cornwall’s a sandy shithole, come to London!”

“I live in Devon, twat!” Arthur shouted back at him but he was smiling.

“Fucking Devon then, who fucking cares? Come back with us, please!” Mordred shouted, his face starting to blaze with embarrassment. This was the hardest thing he’d ever done and the prat was making it harder on purpose.

Merlin was gaping at him, as if he’d grown another head and Arthur was trying his best not to laugh. It was like every moment in a film Mordred had ever rolled his eyes at and called unrealistic. But it was happening and by God, did he want it to be over. He just needed Arthur to nod and everything could go back to normal. Or as normal as they got.

“Train station’s still this way,” Arthur said, actually laughing now. “Are you two coming to London or not?”

Mordred smiled, unable to contain his relief that he’d actually done it. It was all out there now, waiting. He expected Merlin to run to Arthur but he didn’t. Instead he ran to Mordred, throwing his arms around him and kissing him like he might never let go. Mordred smiled, he liked that idea. They need never let go.

“Thank you!” Merlin said breathlessly and though he was smiling too, his cheeks were wet from where he’d cried both sad and happy tears. Mordred wiped them away.

“Yeah, well, the idiot grows on you after a while,” Mordred said, taking Merlin’s hand and walking them towards Arthur.

To Mordred surprise, Arthur took his other hand. Alright, it was a country road at about 5am but still, they were all walking hand in hand - maybe not into the sunset but into a sunrise.

Mordred squeezed their hands. They need never let go.

**Author's Note:**

> As of 01/01/18, I'm opting to disable comments. [More information here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13077201).


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